by PK Hill - NAASCA Ambassador at Large
Today, I am learning how to live with the residual effects of childhood sexual abuse .. and the intolerable, unconscionable, incessant invasion, arrogant, manipulative, despicable re-victimization by the RCC and my family of origin.
Today, I have discovered a young, angry, grieving inner writer and artist who needs to be heard and healed .. and will not stop until she is. I want to be a Light for other Survivors and escort them out of the maze of manipulation and malfeasance that the evil enablers and complicit bystanders used with deliberate intention to try and permanently silence me and thousands of others.
Today, I believe that the support I have been seeking for so many years – the supports necessary to heal from the wounds of yesterday – are not necessarily to be found where I expected to find such support.
It comes to me like waves in the ocean, ...huge and unexpected, without warning, furious and enveloping. I literally have more support today than I have ever had in my entire life and I am grateful. Incredibly grateful.
Those who have chosen to judge my journey harshly are released without animosity. Go in peace. Those who reach out and then turn back in fear or preoccupation with themselves are released without animosity. Go in peace. Those who have betrayed me or abandoned me, hurt me and abused me, well, .. those people I am still working on.
Today, I find myself to be more deliberate in my actions and words, more transparent in my intentions and more honest in my focus. I recognize I am not the same person I was when I first started this journey 25 years ago – when I first reported the abuse to the church/convent. They dismissed me, they threw me to the wolves and offered their prayers, and that is all I thought I deserved – empty prayer. I was wrong. Like so many others before me and after me they attempted to silence me but all they did was stick me in a cave of hibernation.
Hibernation time is over and I am awake and in search of more than a paw full of berries.
I admit I am still broken but I see that it is in my vulnerability that my strength emerges and I am proud of the fact that today I am coming from a place of integrity and honor rather than rage and denial.
I like myself more today than I did yesterday. Today, I care less about what others think about me and my mission. I know what I need to do and I am ecstatic that I have the support necessary to do it. I can wish for certain people to join me on this road, but many are incapable for reasons they alone know. Today, I will join hands with those who choose to walk with me and I will release with love those who cannot or will not journey with me.
Today, I am more gentle toward myself, yet more adamant at the same time. Apprehensive, yet willing. Tinges of inner conflict and turmoil mixed with purpose and meaning.
Yet somedays, with all the above awarenesses, I still feel like an old, abandoned, abused, ignored, rusty, useless piece of outdated antique machinery. But...
Hint .. the journey is in full swing. Hang on for the ride.
CSA Survivor Advocate Writer
Storyteller and Trauma-Informed Speaker
Credit Writing/Photography Pk Hill (c) 2019
CSAStoryteller and Trauma- informed Survivor