A sincere apology has three parts:
1) I know what I did. I publicly acknowledge and take complete responsibility for my actions.
2) I will take concrete actions to ensure that I will not repeat the behavior.
3) I will repair the damage caused by my actions.
Remember your first apology? "I'm sorry I broke your toy." When you said that, you took responsibility for your actions. You probably decided you would not drop another toy off the table to see what happened. And if you could fix the toy, you probably offered to do so. Therefore, you made a sincere apology.
Any adult rarely gives a sincere apology, but it is almost unheard of from a child molester. Understand, if someone makes an apology that lacks any of the three parts, then they are not offering a sincere apology. Instead, they are expressing regret.
They may regret . . .molesting your child . . . or that it changed your opinion of them or that they got caught . . .
But they do not regret molesting children. They like molesting children and they are not going to stop.
They are simply hoping to appease you with an apology.
Understand, just because a sentence starts out with "I'm sorry" doesn't mean the person is truly sorry. If someone is truly sorry, they will make a sincere apology. If they are truly sorry, they will take responsibility for their actions. If they are truly sorry, they will try their best to not repeat the offensive behavior. If they are truly sorry, they will do what they can to fix the damage they have caused.
For the child molester, a sincere apology would include all three parts. First, they would accept responsibility for their actions. The child is not at fault. There were no circumstances that justified what they did to the child. Second, they will not molest again. They will seek counseling. They will avoid interactions with children that might be too tempting for them. If necessary, they will stay away from children, especially any past victims. Third, they will try to repair the damage they have caused. In the case of child molesters, this damage can never be fully undone, just as you cannot "undo" a murder. Still, the child molester can acknowledge responsibility for their actions and make sincere apologies to ALL affected people, including the victim and other close family and friends. Again, getting counseling is a means of repairing the damage.
Make yourself listen to the apologies of your family's child molester (I am sure there have been more than one apology.) Are these apologies sincere, or not? It will make your entire life easier if you can tell the difference. The good news is that most apologies come with qualifiers. Most apologies are an "I'm sorry," delivered with a qualifier like "if" or "but." Sometimes the qualifier is implied and left unsaid, but it is still there. Qualifiers mean the apology isn't sincere. It means he is going to molest again. It is important for the safety of your child that you hear the qualifiers.
The "But" Qualifier # 1 . . . "I am so sorry I hurt her, but when she acts like that, she is asking for it."
This is the lowest form of apology. It's really a counter accusation. It blames the victim. This apology is full of "it's your fault I did" whatever. This apology lacks all three parts of a sincere apology. This apology is so far from asking for forgiveness that everyone should be able to recognize it. This apology is hostile. The only reason it falls into the apology category is it starts with an "I am sorry." Clearly, the person delivering this apology isn't sorry at all. They certainly aren't saying they won't do it again.
The "But" Qualifier # 2 . . . "I am so sorry I hurt her, but I had been drinking. I didn't realize . . ."
If an apology comes with this "but," then it's an apology with an excuse clause. They are sorry they caused you pain, but they should not be held accountable because __________. (Fill in the blank with what followed their "but.")
This lacks the second part of a sincere apology. The "I will take concrete actions to ensure that I will not repeat the behavior." They are telling you that they would/could do it again if the "but" happens again.
The "If" Qualifier . . . "I am sorry if I did anything to hurt your feelings."
If there is an "if" in the apology, they are not sorry. They are saying they don't know if they did anything wrong, but if they did, then they are sorry. This lacks the first part. The "I know what I did." The "if" questions whether they did anything at all. It implies you misinterpreted their actions and therefore are responsible for your own hurt. But, they are sorry if you did that. They are not taking any responsibility for their behavior.
The Unspoken "Minimize It" Qualifier . . . "I am sorry. But you need to know it was the first time something like that has ever happened."
"I am sorry. I didn't know . . . "
"I am sorry. I thought they wanted it . . ."
"I am sorry. I don't remember doing . . ."
This qualifier is harder to recognize because it doesn't have a one-word lead-in that clues us to what's coming. It is also hard to recognize because we all use minimizers to explain our behavior. When we use minimizing qualifiers, we believe them. In turn, we are inclined to believe someone else when they use one. This qualifier is meant to minimize the level of injury and to minimize/excuse their fault. It doesn't, but it is meant to. This apology lacks all three parts. Any person using the minimizer qualifier is not sorry.
There are other qualifiers. There are other ways to minimize their actions, but you get the idea.
In the end, when the person who sexually molested your child apologizes to you, you must decide what they are telling you.
Are they saying, "I'll take responsibility for my actions? "Let's get professional help for your child, family and me?" Or, do they want you to keep quiet and bury their secret?
If you received a true apology, then the child molester in your life may really be willing to change his behavior. He wills step forward, publicly acknowledge his behavior and get help.
If the child molester is not willing to get professional help, then you know you have received an insincere apology. The child molester is offering excuses, and is unwilling to accept responsibility for his actions.
If you accept an insincere apology, you are accepting the fact that he will molest again.
And please, do not believe that that if “God forgave him” that God still doesn't expect him to own up to his behavior, report himself to the authorities and get help for his victims. If he doesn't do these things, then he's not listening to God, he just wants to get away with the crime. |
